Sometimes my mind speaks in lyrics. Today's thoughts are brought to you by Joy Williams. I'm still trying to surrender. J's already succeeded in doing so. I love that man. One finger at a time, I'm letting go of preconceived ideas of how life should work out. And maybe I don't always hear God's voice or know what in the world we are supposed to do next. But if faith is the one sure thing that gets us through, then so be it.

I thought I did what's right.

I thought I had the answer.

I thought I chose the surest road,

But that road brought me here.

So I put up a fight,

And told You how to help me.

And just when I had given up,

The truth has come clear.

That You know better than I.

You know the way.

I've let go, the need to know why,

Cause You know better than I.

If this has been a test,

I cannot see the reason.

But maybe knowin' I don't know

Is part of gettin' through.

I try to do what's best,

And faith has made it easy

To see the best thing I can do

Is put my faith in You.

I saw one cloud and thought it was the sky.

I saw a bird and thought that I could follow.

But it was You who taught them how to fly.

If I let You reach me, will You teach me?

It's been months since I've been to church. This is due to a combination of traveling and (mostly) laziness. (My church is about 30 minutes away.) Last time I went, the trees were bare.

I remember getting bent out of shape over the trees. I was irritated that the trees were cut to go around the power lines. They looked stupid. It looked like a bad haircut.

Enter today. The trees are getting their leaves, and they look healthy as can be. Growing tall, looking bright ... and completely out of harm's way. (Truth be told, they still look stupid.)

Enter deep thoughts. So often we think we know what's best. And we get so frustrated with how life looks in the moment. But it's only after we step back that we can see our lives being shifted to keep us from danger. But still we grow. And flourish. Occasionally we just have to be redirected. The destination is always the same. Sometimes we just have to go off course to get there safely.

Which leads me to another thought. J and I were talking today about "the destination," what we've been trying so hard to reach for 11 years now. It's so easy to feel broken and weary when the destination seems so far away, and at times, unreachable ... when you're giving everything you have, but no matter how many years pass, you are in the exact same spot you were in the year before. And for everyone else, they seemed to get there exactly as we planned. But maybe we're looking at this all wrong. After all, life isn't about the destination. It's about the journey. (How many times must we remind ourselves of this?!) Today, we praise God for the journey. For this time we have to grow. And for how He's pruning us in this moment and guiding us to whoknowswhere. Feeling equal parts blessed, scared, broken, and hopeful.

We may not know where the road leads, but because of closed doors, we know where it doesn't. We continue to pray for patience. Because, reader, this journey is draining! But what a journey it's been!

In other news, my garden is in the beginning stages. My peas have emerged from the earth and are reaching out for the sun ... which is hidden today behind rain clouds. I love the Spring.

So today is the residency scramble, aka "SOAP," whatever that means. I will be the first to admit it: my doubts are many, my faith is small. I suppose after treading water for so long, I've just gotten tired. And today my heart was heavy. With my job situation, J's ceaseless effort to get started on his residency journey, and soon having to say "farewell" to some dear friends, the burden seemed too big. Projects are looming, deadlines are fast approaching. I. Can't. Keep. Up.

All day I've thought, why pray? How long have I prayed and in return there's been silence? So, I was stubborn and refused to "submit my requests to God."

I went throughout my day with my stomach in knots and a head that was about to explode. I worked out afterwards, but I was numb. I don't even know that I heard a single note that was flirting with my ears.

I went to run my errands. And then I got hungry. So I picked up a sandwich, sat in my car in the Target parking lot, and had dinner. I don't know about you, reader, but I tend to pray when I'm alone in my car. I finally succumbed and spoke a few words: "God, I don't know what you have in store for us. But I pray with everything that's within me that you will give us a sign, any sign ... and FAST ... pointing us in the direction we should go."

And I went inside.

10 minutes later, I was in the greeting cards aisle, when a man approached me and struck up a "conversation." (Conversation is in quotes, because quite frankly, he did 98% of the talking. I just smiled and nodded.) While he talked to me for about 30 minutes, this is essentially what he said:

"You're a Christian, aren't you? I can tell. Well, as you know, as Christians, life is hard. And the devil is good at what he does. Keep the Word in your heart and guard it. Believe in Him and everything will fall into place. God can do anything. Who are we to doubt? We are vapors in the wind. But still, praise Him and anything can happen."

The most interesting part about this is that I never told him about my current situation or that what he was telling me was exactly what I needed to hear ... and was what I had just prayed for moments ago.

I guess what I'm telling you, reader, is this: keep looking up. Life doesn't always make sense. And situations are tough and may seem more than you can bear. But you can do it. This life is fleeting. And our goal in life is not for all of our dreams to come true. This life isn't about us. It's about Him. It's about the experience. It's about truly living. And living well.

Dad reminded me today that even Moses was living in the desert for 40 years before God spoke to him through a burning bush. Can you imagine? Makes these 6 or so years sound like nothing!

In looking over the past, my faith has been bruised, but I'm still looking up. I really have no clue how all of these situations are going to be resolved (or even when), but I'm enjoying the experience.

In other news, I'm almost 3-0. I've been waiting all my life for this birthday. Yesterday, I accomplished one of my fitness goals: I ran 5 miles. This is not an entirely huge feat; I've run longer distances before. But it was the longest I've run in 2 years, and I was determined to run the distance by my birthday. (I tried last year, but failed. And was disappointed in myself for an entire year.) And reader, I did run 5 miles. In advance. Because I'm awesome.

Next up? I've got a mountain to climb. And I'm looking forward to viewing the world from the mountain top ... assuming, of course, that it isn't cloudy that day.